--all on a college-student budget!
Here begins a series of articles I previously published in my old online diary at www.easyjournal.com . I am only reprinting pieces of general interest, so don't worry about having to wade through my personal life. Here is an old humor piece I wrote for a composition class. Enjoy!
2.20.2003 // How to Save the World, Lose Five Pounds, and Become Certifiable (On a College-Student Budget)
If you’re like many young people, you probably entered college expecting to find a sense of purpose during these important years of your life. You certainly picked the right time to do it! At no other time will you have so much energy, so little money, and such a need to right the wrongs of the world—at least, according to your elders.
What to do with these resources? As you might guess from the title, you have many options. But only one effectively combines these--heroics, weight loss, insanity—in a way that is easily accessible to the average college student: social activism.
“Good answer,” you’re thinking. “How am I supposed to do that? Vietnam is over, last I checked.”
Never fear! Vietnam was not the first time a befuddled government did the wrong thing, and it certainly wasn’t the last. Our current president offers a stunning array of them: destroying the environment, tax money mismanagement, cutting assistance programs for those in all walks of life, foreign policy ineptitude, and, a perennial favorite, war on third-world nations. Choose a cause that’s close to your heart—one that will cause you many headaches, guilt trips, and coronaries. You can’t fix everything wrong with the world at once, so be sure to pick something you can obsess over. That way, when your energies ebb low or your spirits get stomped, you’ll be able to keep going. Develop some nervous habits, because you won’t be getting any sleep. While you’re up, read a copy of “Lives of the Saints”--being a martyr is good for the soul.
Once a Cause has chosen you, you need to get informed. Read news articles, editorials, manifestoes, anything you can find on the subject. Talk to people, and try to hear out both sides. Then form your opinions carefully, making sure that you periodically re-examine your arguments. If you don’t back up your feelings with solid reasoning, you can’t expect to persuade anyone to agree with you. As the primary goal of social activism is change through persuasion, your arguments must be sensible, appealing, and firmly based in fact. Your opponents will use emotion-based arguments that are convoluted and based in fantasy, then criticize you for doing those very things. And everyone else will agree with them, not you. Nevermind all that. Continue to refine your arguments through new information and constant re-examination.
Once you’ve discovered what you believe and agree or disagree with, it’s time to put your opinions out in public. The more people you reach, the more likely you are to encounter those who agree with you, as well as change the minds of others. You have about the same likelihood of cleaning out three Vegas casinos in one night. Realize this, and sit at home crying about your many failures. Hang up pictures of starving refugees, clear-cut forests, crumbled capital cities—and blame yourself for all of them. Then resolve to do better, and re-examine your options. A popular method is the protest rally or march. You can find one that’s already scheduled or start your own. Keep in mind that rallies will not usually change anybody’s opinions. Be prepared to walk for hours in deep snow, driving rain, intense heat, uphill, in circles. Change your chants. Instead of saying “Who can stop the war? /We can stop the war!” insert such morale-boosters as “Who can cross the street?/We can cross the street!” Remember to continue chanting evenly when people swear at you or dump beer on you, and focus your mind on thoughts of peace and acceptance. Focus particularly hard when you are given the finger or chased down by the ROTC truck. All of this marching, running, and focusing will allow you to lose weight, as well as getting you into shape for running from the FBI, which is compiling a file on you as you read this article.
To reach people on a more personal level, you’ll want to use mediums that allow them to see and hear your opinions, evaluate them, and possibly change their own opinions. Many people simply don’t know or don’t care about various social injustices. It is your job to tell them what is wrong and why they should care. It is their job to ignore you. Mediums they might ignore you through include newspaper editorials, websites, posters, and conversation. Be creative! Try skywriting, water balloon throwing, flyers given with candy at parades. Try nude protests with messages written on your body.
Expect your family and friends to pretend they don’t know you. Expect at least one person close to you, who never seemed to care about your Cause before, to reveal a feverish opposition to it. The sacrificed relationship is just another heap before the altar of the Cause. Expect your parents to continually search your possessions for drugs and give you dozens of ads for the hairstylist. Add those to the heap as well, and cut your own hair—you won’t have the money for a hairstylist, or food, or other such expendable things. Your money will go to posters, and bus rides, and flags, and donations. Nevermind all that. You are, at last, one of the few, the emaciated, the certifiable—a social activist!